Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Google Introduces "Gmail Custom Time"

You can forget ever having to send a "belated" Birthday email again with Gmail's new Custom Time feature (although if the person doesn't rate more than an email - not even an emailed greeting card - why bother?). Using an e-flux capacitor to resolve issues of causality, the new feature allows you to send emails to the past, but only to April 1, 2004, the day Google launched Gmail. You also get only 10 Custom Time emails a year. When asked about the limitations of the feature, Google said:
If we were to let you send an email from Gmail before Gmail existed, well, that would be like hanging out with your parents before you were born -- crazy talk.
and ...
Our researchers have concluded that allowing each person more than ten pre-dated emails per year would cause people to lose faith in the accuracy of time, thus rendering the feature useless.
The feature has already garnered a great number of fans and praise, with Delivery Girl Miriam S. saying:
"The entire concept of 'late' no longer exists for me. That's pretty cool. Thanks Gmail!"
On the other hand, Epistemology Professor Michael L. said:
"This feature allows people to manipulate and mislead people with falsified time data. Time is a sacred truth that should never be tampered with."
Please note that I personally hate time travel -- too many paradoxes. This is why I hated every single Star Trek: TOS / TNG / DS9 / Voyager / Enterprise -- and lets not forget B5 or any other TV show episode / movie ever written. Don't get me started on "dream" episodes either.

BTW, since I Custom Time emailed myself the results of 9 sporting events and bet heavily on them, I no longer need to work, so this will be my last post ever. With the 10th Custom Time email I sent myself the location of Jennifer Aniston after Brad Pitt broke the news about Angelina Jolie to her, figuring she could use some comforting -- so I'm also Mr. Aniston now.

I'm assuming by now you remember that it's April 1. I hate this day, actually -- it's too hard to sort out the pranks and find real news!


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